#@!%*^%# Deer and Ungrateful Turtles

To begin with, I'd like to make it clear that I'm an animal lover......always have been. I can't stand to see any animal hurt. When I pass roadkill, I always say "god bless it's little heart". I can't stand to watch the movie King Kong cause he gets killed and I have no way of punishing the people responsible.

I'm ashamed to say that I'm one of those stupid people that swerve to avoid hitting an animal in the road. And I've always said that when people encroach on wildlife habitat; then we just have to learn to deal with the consequences.....cause the animals were here first. With this attitude, it should be obvious whose side I was on in the ongoing discussion of a controlled Deer hunt in FHH. Also, the idea of wild, redneck hunters roaming our community was pretty scary.

By now, you may be wondering "Where is she going with this?" Well, don't split your britches, I'm getting there.

The abundance of rain this year truly has had spring bursting out all over the city of FHH. I missed springtime last year having arrived in FHH in July. So, I have been thoroughly enjoying, delighting in all the rampant growth and flowering going on in my yard. Every morning, on my way to get my paper, I have paused on my front porch and admired the size of my hostas, the crowded blooming of the azaleas and noted the huge number of buds developing on the day lilies. Even though I had nothing to do with the planting of these amazing specimens of Mother Nature; I was taking a great deal of pride in being the owner of them now.

I stepped out on my porch last week and my attention was immediately drawn to the fact that two of the day lily buds had bloomed. They were gorgeous. But, as I was admiring them, my brain started screaming "ALERT ALERT .......Something is wrong here!" And it registered! My big, beautiful hostas were NUBS! What was left looked like a bouquet of celery stalks. The shock took my legs out from under me and I landed with a plop on the top step with enough force to jar my spine. I was in disbelief. After some of the shock passed and my brain reengaged....I examined the ground of the flower bed looking for evidence.......... and there it was..... DEER track!

I got pissed. I literally saw red! In the blink of an eye I went from "Save the deer. They were here first. To, kill them, kill them all!" "They ate my hostas and deserve to die." I sat down on the steps and spent the next few minutes trying to determine just what kind of trap I could use to catch them suckers and punish their butts for eating my plants. Plotting revenge always calm me down. Finally, I found I was laughing at myself for being such a hypocrite. As long as it was someone else's garden......but the minute it became mine; all my bloodthirsty tendencies jumped front and center. The last bit of steam evaporated with the memory of a well known adage "Pride always goeth before a fall".

It took a couple of days for me to get some deer repellent and in that time the #@!%*^%# deer ate every single bud on all of my lily plants. In the back of my mind, faintly, I heard "kill them, kill them all!" Now, when I walk out to get my paper my nose is bombarded by the rankest smell I've ever smelled next to that brown catfish bait my Daddy kept in his tackle box. I guess I just have to learn to deal with it!

Let's briefly discuss my encounter with a truly ungratefully rude box turtle. In the last few weeks I have found myself rescuing turtles. I'm not sure what the turtles are up to, migrating? Looking for love in all the wrong places? I keep finding them right smack dab in the middle of the road. What? They get to the center and suddenly are overcome by terror......or are they really attracted to the color yellow. They're all on the center line and all but one closed up in their shell. Plus, all have been in a curve with nowhere to pull over close by.

My aforementioned love of animals precludes me leaving their butt there and driving on. I'm compelled to rescue them. I know if I leave them, the very next car will smush them flat. I will feel tremendous amounts of guilt when I come back from my errand and see them with their little guts all over the center line.

Now, anyone who knows me, knows I can't walk more than 15 - 20 feet without becoming so short of breath that I have stop and rest. So, pulling up somewhere beyond the curve and walking back for these guys isn't an option in my mind. So I've developed a rescue technique I call the slow roll and snatch. My first try didn't go so well. I missed my snatch and ended up just stopping and hopping out to get him. The whole time hoping no one came barreling into that curve; smacking me in the rear end. I'm sure my explanation that I'm saving a turtle wouldn't go very far as an excuse.

But, I've improved with each subsequent try. I no longer look up to find myself headed straight for the ditch and I can go a little faster than 10 mph. My last rescue occurred yesterday. I passed him up at first cause I was on 16, doing about 50 with a car right behind me. Not enough time to slow down. A little ways down the road I found a place to pull over and turn around.

As I got closer, I could see this guy wasn't all tucked up in his shell. He had his head out with his neck stretched as far as it would go. I figured he was trying to get up the nerve to make a run for it. I took a glance behind me......no cars and a glance in front of me.....no cars. I slowed down, popped the door and snatched him up as I rolled by. I tossed him into the passenger seat and decided I would take him back to where I turned around. I could get him a long way from the road there.

I kinda thought all the activity would push him into his shell, but when I glanced over, he was headed for the edge of the seat. I gave him a little thump on his shell and picked him up to move him back on the seat. I thought that would cause him to draw up in his shell. No, it didn't! He hissed at me. The only turtle that has ever hissed at me was a snapping turtle and this wasn't a snapping turtle. So, Okay, this guy has an attitude. I put him over on my leg and held him there. Got myself turned around and headed for the drop off spot.

This guy was wriggling with all four legs flailing. On top of that he was staring me down and hissing. So, I'm thinking "How cute" and "you're a feisty little guy". And he then proceeds to pee all over my leg. It was a nice greenish yellow and there was quite a bit of it. While I'm scolding him and explaining how grateful he should feel, he lets go again. I'm amazed at the amount of pee he had in him. Luckily for him we got to the drop off spot. I was sorely tempted to drop him off on his little head. I controlled myself. He took off with all due turtle speed as soon as his feet hit the ground.

Ungrateful turtles really tick me off!